For the benefit of those who don't really know me, I am a pretty mean person. I don't mean pretty and mean but yeah. bleh. yuko commented that i'm always very mean and tommy agreed. Though it was a rather casual comment, there was this serious essence in their words. :) For one moment i really wondered, am i THAT mean?
I wasn't like that and i've already forgotten when did i start to cultivate this mean-ness. the demeaning words, the sarcastic remarks, the naughty tricks and the unkind gestures were things that i enjoy doing. Of course, i didn't mean to hurt or intend to discourage people, it's just me. Pastor preached about this before. Being mean to prevent ourselves from being hurt, the inner insecurity and the distrust we have in people. But i never thought that my actions imply such things. or maybe it does, just without me realizing it. hmmmm. I do agree that i don't trust people easily, i don't share much about how i feel, i act like i don't care about everything when i actually do(sometimes). hmmm.. but in any case, i don't demean others just to bring pleasure to myself, it lightens the atmosphere. and i do know my limits. i know when to be serious and when not to. I often wonder, is it ok to stay the way i am, or do i have to change, to be nicer, to be more polite and to be someone whom i don't think i will be. I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, to act like i've changed into a typical nice christian when i know i'm not. I want others to know that God loves me for who i am, even though i'm imperfect. But i am willing and am subjected to change. Who knows, you might see a totally different me 10 years down the road. Being mean, crazy, noisy, kpo and yacky is just the exterior me. Hence, don't judge me just by the way i behave. BUT i will reflect, i will learn how to control the words i say, to prevent my words from hurting people. And please forgive me if i'd ever hurt or offended you, they were not intentional. I'm sorry.
2 comments:
God does love you for who you are, but He loves you too much to leave you AS you are. Haha. I feel we all need to change in one area or another, and whether or not you should in this case is between you and Him. What does He say about how you are in this area? Do you think He'd want you to change?
Our walk with God is a process where He teaches us to live our lives the best we can. As long as you're walking close to Him, you ought to be just who you are, and that's more than enough. :)
Hmm...changes take time girl. maybe one way that can help is to imagine urself on the receiving end of mean-ness? pause and think,"how would i feel if someone is mean toward me?" i guess nobody wants to be treated unkindly. it's a good thing that at least u are stopping to re-examine urself. first step to change!:)
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